I am writing to share some difficult news with you all. Despite strong execution, increased operational margins, and back to back years of record setting profits, the vibes of my very rich friends (VRFs) have forced our leadership team to take a hard look at our company and make some tough decisions.
After careful consideration, we have made the difficult decision to lay off 19% of our workforce. This was a very tough decision to make, but my VRFs are allowed to have their feelings no matter how important salary, healthcare, and retirement are to you.
Some of you are likely aware that layoffs do not save money. In fact, our layoffs will be nearly as expensive as our largest annual expense - campaign donations to oppose universal healthcare.
We will be offering a comprehensive severance package, which will be enough to not look miserly in front of my VRFs, but also not so much.
I wanted to take a moment to express my gratitude for the contributions each and every one of you have made to this company. This was not a decision we made lightly, nor did we base it off our company's actual performance which remains quite strong.
Always remember when Dr. Martin Luther King Jr. said, "I have a dream." I too have a dream of continuing to vibe with my VRFs. As such, I'd prefer to no longer pay you.
Thank you for your understanding and support during this difficult time.
Very Normal CEO